As the more astute followers of this blog will tell you, The Stevolution values Villainy. In fact, the forebear of this site dedicated a substantial amount of text to upstanding members of an otherwise underrated underworld, as seen in “Lost Theories II.”
However, today is a different day, for on this day we celebrate true, and very much realized villainy. It’s not the kind of no-goodery that jumps right into bed with evil, but it flirts, bygum, it flirts! More than that, it dips its digits decidedly within the dastardly.
Of course, with any good origin story, we must start from the beginning. As is the case with many villains, the one in question – a one “Rex Velvet,” the mustachioed sigil of whom you see above – suffered from a life not tainted by tragedy or unfortunate circumstance, but by the subversive blight … of Good.
It all began, as things do, with frustrated altruism … and ill-fitting tights.
The “real life superhero” movement is relatively new to the gape-jawed disbelief of reality, but its practitioners seem to be growing in both number and balls.
Now, physics being what it is, these heroes are not super-powered, but rather concerned citizens trying to make a dent in the day-to-day plights of (localized) mankind, by doing everything from feeding the homeless, to straight up confronting street crime and violence firsthand, like our favorite star-spangled heroes from the funny pages.
Perhaps the most well-known of these super individuals is the protector-laureate of Seattle, Washington: Phoneix Jones.
Negatively inspired by the lack of concern within Seattle’s citizenry for things like petty theft, thuggery and hubris, Jones began patrolling the streets in a bullet/stab-proof homemade costume and pithy moniker.
The only things protecting Jones in his one-man war on the strange bedfellows of crime and common sense were an unwavering sense of justice, some pretty misguided bravery and a veritable armory of non-lethal weapons like pepper spray and a taser baton. He’s basically like a mix between Kick-Ass and Blankman … but decidedly more badass, on account of his undefeated professional MMA fighting career. So, y’know, there’s that…
Indeed, Jones and his team, The Rain City Superhero Movement, have made quite the name for themselves, breaking up scuffles, stopping carjackings and even foiling plots to blow up governmental buildings (nope, not kidding) and I’ve been semi-following their exploits if for no other reason than unhealthy curiosity. I mean, I may be into comic books, but I’m not THAT into comic books. Or helping my fellow man, for that matter.
Still, you can’t help but admire Jones and his superfriends for their testicular fortitude – it takes a lot to fight crime whilst wearing what constitutes to little more than technicolored dreamcoats.
However, it appears that the do-good days have done gone for good, because finally … villainy has come to Seattle.
I found this while pouring over one of the only other blogs I follow: All Day Comics - a great pit stop for those with even a passing fancy in comic-related shenanigans.
On it was broken a story about the aforementioned Rex Velvet, who has had quite enough of all this benevolence, frankly, and is ready to give Good a right-proper thrashing. His is a perfect foil villainy to the heroism demonstrated by the so-called real life superheroes. Where they march and glad-hand, he prances and wields robot knife hands; where they help the community with good deeds, he slightly hinders workday productivity; where they provide assistance and fresh-faced enthusiasm, he proffers a threatening vice-like grip around what appears to be a bottle opener. And mustaches. Lots of mustaches.
If you want to know more about the shady ins and outs of this dire conflict, head back to All Day Comics, as its author has succinctly framed it, and, if you check out the comments section of THE POST IN QUESTION, may have unwittingly become embroiled within it.
I’d explain more, but really, The Velvet One’s viral videos speak for themselves, and you should really listen…
Video 1: Featuring a sinister sparkle drink … and mustaches!
Video 2: Featuring a DeLorean … and mustaches!
Video 3: Featuring KITTIES … and mustaches!
I, for one, welcome Seattle’s new malevolent minstrel of mayhem, and in so doing, hereby pledge the ample resources at THE STEVIL EMPIRE’s disposal (which is to say, half a roll of Polo mints and a gently-used packet of hot sauce) to Rex Velvet. After all, in the words of Ghandi and the UK-based Tesco supermarket chain, every little bit helps, especially when it comes to being good … at being bad.
If you’re reading this … you ARE the villain!