Like most people, my working knowledge of “Stuff” is based largely on what I have gleaned from movies watched during my childhood, which, let’s be honest, is still very much ongoing.

That’s not to say that I haven’t also picked things up from other important educational stimuli, such as school, life experiences or trying to download things into my brain by shoving USB devices in various orifices. But let’s be serious, only the movies really stuck … as well as some of those USB sticks.

Now, many of you will poo-poo me for this, which is gross. Others will say that I should have spent more time reading, which is, to use the original Latin, “fucking ridonkulous,” because I read the shit out of some books when I was a kid.

Okay, sure, most of that was simpler fare, like coloring books or the Bible, but some could be deemed honest-to-god literature! Take, for example, the Choose Your Own Adventure line of books. Sure, they may not have the same thematic resonance of today’s young-adult reading, but what they lose in glittery vampires and hungry survivalist children, they more than make up for in not being shit.

Still others will argue that I am some kind of jerk for basing my life on what I learned from film. Yeah? A jerk am I? Whatever, dick lips! Tell that to some of the most noble and finest examples of this most beautiful art, not to mention the skills I gained from their watching.

Tell it to 3 Ninjas, for example, which taught me Karate, or The Garbage Pail Kids Movie, which instilled in me the notion of puppet tolerance, or “puppetolerance.” Tell it to Flight of the Navigator for teaching me how to deal with loss and simultaneously drive an alien spacecraft, or  Mac & Me … tell it to Mac & Me for teaching me how to love … McDonald’s.

Despite what the naysayers might … say, you can learn a lot from movies, and I’ma show you how. Behold, gentle readers, a cinematic six four pack of shit I learned from flicks … which in no way has been shortened by two because I got lazy and/or ran out of ideas.

Okay, I’m going to level with you. This is pretty much the only clip in the entire list that actually makes any kind of sense. The rest is really just filler. Oops, should I have said *SPOILER* there? Dammit. Anyway, this one scene in A Bronx Tale shaped how I would come to judge girls in my early years. That’s right, ladies, this is me … judging you. Seriously, I actually pulled this trick during my tentative dips into the chilly pool of adolescent dating. Sure, I never kept a girlfriend long enough to test the resolve of any perceived moral fiber this would bring to light, but as any religious man will tell you, proof is stupid!

Unfortunately the existence of newfangled developments like electric doors and keyless entry (which are the same thing), means that this particular test is no longer possible. At the time, though, I could conceive of no better way to gauge a girl’s merit than the Door Test … other than physical combat.

To my surprise, not many people (at least outside The U.S.) have seen this movie, which proves two things to me: 1.) American taste in film is far superior to that of the rest of planet earth, and B.) the international community is largely unprepared for a monster apocalypse. Sad, really, but don’t come crying to me when your adorable little zombie bunker don’t mean shit!

I must have watched The Monster Squad roughly 153,120.22 times when I was a pup, so if you haven’t seen it, let me sum it up for you. Dracula, en route to finding a mystical amulet, brings together an all-star movie-monster crew (including Frankenstein, the Wolfman, the Creature from the Black Lagoon and the Mummy) to “wreck shit up” (his words) and open a wormhole to another dimension. Why? Cause that’s what mother-fucking monsters DO! The only thing standing in their way is a ragtag group of folks, including socially awkward preteens, a near-virgin and a scary German guy.

The best of these is Rudy, the bemulleted young master badass of the film, and personal hero. It was kind of disappointing that the Mummy and the Creature from the Black Lagoon were so easily dispatched (vehicular unravelling and a weakness to shotguns, respectively). However, it did teach me that silver bullets, which can easily be rendered in middle school shop class (as seen in this EXCELLENT montage sequence), weren’t the only thing to bring those cursed with lycanthropy to their knees.

You know, it reminds me of something my mom used to say. “There’s nothing like a square kick to the nuts, sweetie,” she’d say, tucking me into bed with a kiss, “especially for fucking werewolves.” Love you, mom!

 

Everyone thought it was kryptonite, but it seems the only thing required to take this hotblooded Kryptonian down a notch is a dose of grandpa’s cough syrup. Yup, after a few shots, he crumbles into a mess of surly looks, five o’clock shadows and nut-flickin’ douchebaggery. It’s pathetic, honestly; I mean, we always knew he was lighter than air, but I don’t think anyone pegged him as an out-and-out lightweight.

This scene is pretty much the only watchable point of Superman III (which suffered from its own “scriptonite“), but it taught us all a valuable lesson: under that well-quaffed spitcurl and flashy tights, Superman is wrestling with some serious demons. But look, I don’t care how many whiskey sours he’s had – throwing legumes at superspeed toward innocent bottles of booze is alcohol abuse, plain and simple.  And that’s no way for a hero to act!

In another version of the clip, however, Superman sort of makes up for it by speaking some pretty decent conversational Spanish. You tell ‘em, Supermanuel!

As everybody knows, professional wrestlers like Hulk Hogan have long been proponents of natural, holistic health, so they don’t just put any old chemical into their bodies. That’s what makes this scene so fuck-damn legit – that and my excessive use of profanity just then.

Okay, I have to admit here that I’ve never faced off against ice-based weaponry, let alone anyone with inherent ice powers, but you have to admit that Hogan makes quite a strong case for his strategy against them in this scene. And as I said, the lovable monsters from the WWF/E have never let me down thus far in life and I doubt they will start any time soon, so I take their word as gospel truth.

On top of everything else, my older brother once told me that antifreeze was actually just  delicious Hi-C Ecto-Cooler, and big brothers don’t lie to little brothers. Ever.

If you’re reading this … you ARE the Stevolution!