A few months ago, I came up with an idea for an article in one of the magazines I write for, wherein I would raid a local supermarket bargain bin and write about the movies I find there.
And so, may I humbly present to you the prestigious “CBG Award.” Based on a poorly photoshopped 5th place bowling trophy and named after the annoying bad guy in Commando (Commando Bad Guy = CBG), whose name could have easily been found in a quick Google search, but wasn’t, the CBG represents the celebration of a film’s mediocrity and its overall cinematic worthlessness.
Once...twice...three times a lady.
You’re going to need a few things before watching Carlito’s Angels: a working knowledge of racial stereotypes in Latin-American culture, a really stiff drink and probably a lobotomy.
After making it through the opening credits sequence, which was created using technologies as cutting-edge as Microsoft Paint, we are introduced to Tina, Marisol and Roxy (pictured left), and join them on as they give chase to a local ecdysiast, whose biggest crime isn’t an extramarital indiscretion recently undertaken with a local Latino gentleman, but rather, that she is an Anglo-Saxon woman, or in the vernacular, “some white bitch.” In the process, the three heroines embark on a completely relevant mission to foil a mafia-led numbers racket.
In a spectacular twist, this marks the last time Carlito’s Angels follows anything so mundane as plot structure, and the rest of the film follows the girls running around performing indiscriminate, scantily-clad antics or getting into “Oh no you didn’t” neck-rolling arguments, which are the most productive kind. After that, there are a few random shots of dwarves playing stickball and girls getting into mud fights. It’s fun for the whole family. Check it out!! (WARNING: SO VERY NSFW!)
CBGP Rating: 3 out of 5, for being, at best, unapologetic.
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Project Shadowchaser II
"I know why you cry..."
“But Steve,” you’re probably saying to yourself, “what if I haven’t seen Project Shadowchaser 1?” Don’t worry, neither has anyone else.
The plot of Project Shadowchaser II is, like its intended audience, fairly simple. A maniacal android with bleached hair and an orange spray-on tan executes a hostile takeover of a nuclear power plant. This, we are led to believe, is a bad thing.
Now, if it’s one truth that direct-to-video movies have taught us, it’s this: the only thing that can stop cybernetically enhanced terrorists is a ragtag group of misfits; in this case, that includes a swarthy alcoholic janitor, a foul-mouthed female nuclear engineer and a teenage boy named Ricky.
The entire adventure thereafter is lovingly seasoned with an almost gleeful shucking of talent from the actor who plays the android. If it’s one thing you can say about B-movie stalwart Frank Zagarino, it’s that he really makes you appreciate Dolph Lundgren. To get a little taste of Zagarino’s acting prowess, check out the following trailer, making sure to bask in his delivery at 1:07…
Project Shadowchaser II ends as it begins; which is to say, astonishingly! Nothing quite says “You’ve just watched a movie about evil android terrorism” like a mariachi version of Jingle Bell Rock.
CBGP Rating: 2 out of 5, for being what Terminator 3 could have been.
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The Hitman
The REAL Man with the Golden Gun
This classic from the misbegotten age of the early nineties proves many things, not only about the action genre, and the very foundations of cinema itself, but also a little something about Charles “Chuck” Norris, and who doesn’t want to uncork that bearded bottle of mystery?
For instance, did you know that Charles Norris is capable of being shot twice, falling out of a third story window, landing on a car and walking away with little more than a scratch, a grizzlier outlook on life and a slightly longer mullet? You do now.
In The Hitman, Charles does a lot. He infiltrates the Italian mafia, makes bitter enemies with a decidedly racist depiction of an Iranian gang and mentors a small black child in the deadly arts. All the while, he spins through life oozing intrigue and roundhouse kicks, and handing out shotgun blasts like free samples of corndogs at a Costco.
However, the best thing about The Hitman is that, in it, Charles Norris punches a guy USING ANOTHER GUY’S HEAD! If there was a category for this at the Oscars, which there should be, this movie would win. Hands down.
Hey, I just found out that you can watch the entire movie of The Hitman on YouTube, which I couldn’t recommend less!
CBGP Rating: 1 out of 5, for excellence in head head-punching.
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Top Dog
Remember, kids, bestiality is a sin.
I think you’ll agree it’s a credit to his mastery of the craft that Charles Norris has made this list twice.
In the long tradition made popular in the 80s and early 90s with such films as K-9 and Turner & Hooch, Top Dog is Charles Norris’ first foray into buddy cop dog drama, and unfortunately, his last.
Yet another Charles Norris joint to be directed by his brother Aaron (Norris), Top Dog follows unkempt and surly officer Jake Wilder as he joins forces with super-intelligent dog Reno to stop a group of neo-nazis from killing the Pope.
Not many people know this, but Charles and Aaron (Norris) underwent pretty lengthy litigation for apparently “borrowing” these plot details from the original script for Schindler’s List.
Luckily for our heroes, white supremacists are no match for bad acting and police dogs. [SPOILER ALERT] Charles and his pup somehow manage to form an uneasy alliance long enough to win the day for racial unity! Boy, did Martin Luther King Jr. have it wrong!
CBGP Rating: 2 out of 5 , for teaching us a little something about tolerance.
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In the end, no one ever gave him that high five.
From the opening credits of Karate Wars, which are heralded in by the melodious tones of a Casio keyboard from the mid-1980s, it was easy to tell that this movie was going to be the best thing to happen to entertainment since that “don’t do drugs” episode of Saved By The Bell.
Following a recalcitrant youth known only in whispers as “Jason,” Karate Wars, on its misspelled front cover, boasts “the tradition of The Karate Kid, the action of Bloodsport and the glory of Rocky.”
While not actually containing any of these things, it did at least have dialogue written by an autistic 4th grader, which I personally find brave. Case in point:
“My name ISN’T Einstein Donkey!”
- Jason
As for the action, I wouldn’t call the fights in Karate Wars “ham-fisted,” but only because I don’t wish to insult the ham-fisted. Sure, it’s better than watching an amputee war veteran try to wrestle a doorknob, but then again, no it’s not.
Eventually we get to the end of the film, and while the official “karate wars” we have been waiting for the whole time (and after which the movie was named) are suddenly cancelled, we are instead treated to a five-minute grudge match made up of random clips from amateur exhibitions, which more than makes up for it, and in no way made me wish I had spent the past two hours developing cancer instead of watching Karate Wars. It’s THAT good!
CBGP Rating: 6 out of 5, for rendering me absolutely speechless.
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And so, after the exhaustive and complicated process of tallying votes (which involves a fair bit of counting), we here at The Theory of Stevolution can announce that the official winner of the first ever 2012 Commando Bad Guy Award is…
KARATE WAR(S)!
Unfortunately, the original cast of Karate Wars couldn’t be here to accept the CBG Award, so here to accept on their behalf is another award depicting the Incredible Hulk doing karate.
HULK SWEEP THE LEG!
Congratulations to the entire team of Karate Warts, without whom, we would never truly know hell. May God have mercy on you all.
If you’re reading this … you ARE the Stevolution!
