So, I was initially going to blog about the upcoming American presidential election, but then something more important caught my eye. Yup, you guessed it: Hybrid sharks.

Surprisingly, this still has nothing to do with the Republican candidates. Apparently, though, nature continues to hate us; to wit, scientists have observed Australian black-tip sharks mating with the more internationally known “normal” black-tip sharks, creating  the most dangerous animal known to man: the hybrid shark.

According to Jess Morgan, the lead researcher from the University of Queensland, while the presence of these godless monsters could not be deemed a direct response to global climate change, it could indicate that certain members of the animal kingdom, as feared, are changing in order to better withstand increasingly fluctuating environments. In the case of sharks, this would allow more tropical species to thrive (read: kill) in cooler waters. The black-tip hybrids, thus, could represent a new paradigm shift in the evolution of sharks as a whole. (source)

This is very surprising because no one’s ever seen shark hybrids before, says Morgan in the following quote:

“This is very surprising because no one’s ever seen shark hybrids before.” – Morgan

That, however, is a blatant lie meant to assuage the natural fears we all developed after accidentally watching Sharktopus late one night. “Actually, sharks have  cross-bred with many things,” the Internet would say, if it could speak. “This includes species outside of their own and almost always results in terrifying abominations against God, nature and good bloody sense,” it would continue, rather subjectively … and suddenly English.

To prove its point, the Internet offers the following small gallery of inter-species shark hybrids, each capable of killing you with a thought (note: there is little evidence suggesting that any of the following have actually weaponized telepathy):

The dreaded Bear-Shark (or "Bark")

The feared Bird-Shark (or "Bark 2")

The Rocket-Raptor-Shark (or "Rockaptorark")

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This just goes to show you that, given the choice, you should always trust the internet over cold, hard science. It also proves, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that sharks mating is straight-up dangerous, not only to “cooler water,” but also to the land, air and Cretaceous Period.

And yet, these so-called “scientists,” such as Dr Colin Simfendorfer (and you thought Rockaptorark was hard to pronounce), continue to defend interbred sharks, saying these hybrids are no more dangerous than regular sharks, which, you will recall, have razor-sharp teeth and claws. Says Doctor Simfn Smfendo … Colin:

“We don’t think there’s any issue with [increased shark attacks] at all. Both of these species we don’t consider a danger to humans. Given that they keep the same sort of morphology of one or other of the parents, we should see no visible change in terms of what we see out there in the ocean.” (source)

Wait … wait … did he just say “morphology” there? SHARKS CAN FUCKING MORPH?

And just how do these bastard sharks reproduce, you ask? Well, according once again to Dr. Morgan, “They just release their eggs and sperm into the water column.”

Oh, they just release them into the water, do they? Well, isn’t that lovely. So, not only does that remind me of how the dragons in the Academy Award-worthy Reign of Fire procreate, but it also means that I’m splashing about in pools of shark love, and that my girlfriend could, were she to inadvertently veer into one of these sexy water columns, fall pregnant with some kind of horrible man-shark. Saying that, I bet its birth would look like that scene with Kuato in Total Recall. So there’s your silver lining I guess, but that still doesn’t mean we have to sit idly by, listening to these hippy scientists write poetry about the beauty of sharks. No. We have to fight back.

“This is evolution in action,” says unabashed shark lover Dr. Jess Morgan, again trying to make a case for the scientific value of these insatiable mutant killing machines. Yeah, Dr. Morgan? Well guess what…

THIS is Stevolution in action!

Once again, The Theory of Stevolution has proven that its finger is planted firmly, and a bit uncomfortably, on the pulse of stuff. You’ll remember, having just read it, that I was the first to speak out against sharks, saying the wanton hybridization of their kind is both godless and wrong. Well, it turns out that the effrontery the shark race shows knows no bounds. Not only can sharks procreate with other kinds of sharks, but it appears that now … they don’t need mates at all. (source)

The BBC today did a story HERE about a zebra shark (the aptly named “Zebe”), which has given birth to its 21st bloodthirsty pup without ever knowing the sweet touch of a man, much less a male shark. This all stinks of black magic to me, but apparently, those scientists I mentioned in the original post call the process parthenogenesis, which essentially translates to “virgin birth,” but could spell doom for human kind. The fact that this process only yields female pups could also see the uncontrolled rise of nature’s second most fearsome predator: women.

A few religious sects have already developed around the idea of worshiping these virgin birth pups, drawing similarities between their nativity and that of current messiah, Jesus H. Christ. Spouting religious doctrine such as “They shall die for our fins,” these Aquatheists are growing in number as quickly as the sharks they worship.

Jesus could not immediately be reached for comment, but he did issue the following statement:

"Bitch, please."

If you’re reading this … you ARE the Stevolution!