In the latest in a string of similar incidents, a lightly-bearded ginger man recently suffered an unprovoked bear attack while attempting to kill shit with a gun in Northern British Columbia.
The man, a one Conrad Boyes, was set upon by the bloodthirsty biological death machine in the otherwise idyllic environs of BC’s beautiful Northern Rocky Mountains Provincial Park.
An avid hunter, Boyes was innocently shooting things within the park’s lush forest thicket when suddenly, and without the incitement of even mild teasing, he was leapt upon by a vampiric she-bear, whose speed, power and aggression belied the bear heritage (or “bearitage”) so often seen in children’s cartoons and storybooks. In fact, the victim described the rampaging man-eater as acting, uncharacteristically, “like some sort of wild animal.”
However, as evidenced in the following CBC clip, while Conrad’s ridiculous accent and poor diction make him nigh-inarticulate, it cannot be denied that his fighting spirt, will-to-live and possession of a high-powered firearm make him an imposing force within the cesspool of violence that is Nature…
Interestingly, while his presence of mind and ballistic prowess did combine, not unlike Captain Planet, to save his life, it was his strength of arm and in-ring fighting acumen that truly turned the tide for Boyes, as he was able to fight off his assailant with his bear hands. Here is an artist’s rendering of the first salvo of Boyes’ savage attack:
Obviously the ravenous she-bear in question had no hope of surviving this brutal encounter, but did she have just cause to attack, or was she simply a murderous fucking bear?
While area police have decided to treat this case as an act of self-defence, they have unearthed a few interesting links between the two combatants.
Apparently, the rampaging she-bear in question, who, prior to her sudden demise, went by the name Raawwwrrrr, reportedly had prior dealings with the Boyes family, at one time assaulting Conrad’s daughter Melissa with what many eyewitnesses called at the time, “a pretty solid bitch slap.” It is currently believed that this exchange may be drug-related.
Regardless of the outcome of that posthumous legal battle, Boyes’ startling ability in the arena of bear-knuckle fisticuffs has garnered him entry into a rare yet celebrated pantheon of like-minded bear punchers, which include the following luminaries: Wildcat, The Punisher and of course, this guy.
While its authenticity has yet to be verified, amateur footage of this staggering altercation between Man & She-Beast has been found in neighbouring Fort Nelson, and distributed amongst its vast honeycomb of reputable media outlets. We warn you that some viewers may find the following images unsettling:
Meanwhile, we are being told that Boyes’ story will soon be immortalized in the upcoming 2006 SyFy network masterpiece, Savage Planet, a clip of which can be viewed by clicking HERE.
In related news, here is a video clip of a bear fighting a gorilla.
More on this story as it develops.
If you’re reading this … you ARE the Stevolution.
