The Lost Theories series continues. This time, I look back at a running gag I used to call “Underrated Villainy,” in which I shined the harsh light of awesome on those I referred to as “the unsung innovators of injustice.” There were quite a few, and they ran the gamut from Nuclear Man, from Superman IV, to my friend Chuck, from the Philippines.
The following, however, are The Fearsome Four of the lot. My personal favorite is the number one entry, which came about from asking my girlfriend who her favorite underrated villain was. It was very eye-opening, as I’m sure you’ll agree…
– BEGIN TRANSMISSION –
Stardate: 6.22.2005
Title: “Villainy Unrealized”
4.) The Noid
I know that feel, bro.
WHAT? Not much is known about this enigmatic genius, other than his two great loves: pizza … and evil. The sole purpose of his shadowy (after?)life was to prevent the prompt delivery of the former, thus perpetuating the latter. Plus, he’s clearly a member of the Hitler youth. And retarded.
Why underrated? The thing is that, despite his best efforts at halting the progress of Domino’s pizza, he couldn’t do it. He may never have won or gotten his fair shake, but I’ll be damned if those pizza delivery men didn’t think twice when peddling their wares to the public.
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Behind every corner could have been the claymation calamity known as The Noid – armed with either a freeze ray, a jackhammer or a noid-bomb, but always, of course, with a steely wit.
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Extra Credit - Apparently, a man named Kenneth Lamar Noid ran afoul with Domino’s ”Avoid the Noid” TV spots, and allegedly held two Domino’s Pizza employees hostage in Chamblee, Georgia. He was charged with kidnapping, aggravated assault, extortion, possession of a firearm during a crime and imitating art more successfully than a fictional character. To date, the real Noid has not filed a personal defamation of character suit.
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3.) Captain Pollution
Come at me, Bro...llution!
WHAT? Captain Pollution, the obvious foil character of the green mullet-sporting, ecomaniac Captain Planet, was created from eeeeevil power rings based on those of the Planeteers.
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So, as opposed to Earth, Fire, Wind, Water and … (snicker) … Heart, they were Smog, Radiation, Deforestation … um … unsafe drinking water? And abortion.
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Anyway, with their powers combined, out came the Michelangelo-esque sounding Captain Pollution: Sultan of Sewage, Guru of Grime and captor of our hearts.
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Why Underrated? Even though he initially made Captain Planet his bitch (I mean that literally, it was a very tongue-in-cheek episode … I mean that literally too, his tongue was actually in Captain Planet’s cheek), he eventually got beaten by being dragged through all of earth’s elements. Still, for a while there he was kicking some Planet ass … if he has an ass, that is … which he doesn’t. What a dick.
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2.) Duke Igthorn
Bitch, please.
What? Duke Igthorn was, as you may remember, the driving force of villainy in the Kingdom of Dunwyn and the surrounding Gummi Glenn, as represented in Disney’s Adventures of the Gummi Bears. Don’t look at me like that – you watched this shit, too.
Igthorn was an exiled knight, obviously ousted from his community out of jealousy for his manly figure, which he accentuated perfectly using purple FUCKING spandex. This is all not to mention his intimidating facial hair.
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He took out his rage of being booted out of town by attempting to conquer it with his army of ogres. As you do. He also figured out that the so-called “Gummi Berry Juice” could be used to induce super strength and not necessarily the ability to bounce around like an asshole.
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Why underrated? Despite being the quintessential picture of manliness, he had more than a few problems with a bunch of overly-caffinated teddy bears. In fact, he was repeatedly foiled by them… well, either them or a bunch of kids. Damn. Okay, Igthorn sucks, BUT JUST LOOK AT THAT PURPLE SPANDEX!! It doesn’t get much more evil than that.
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(2012 Steve Note: Duke Igthorn reminds me of someone … but I can’t quite place it. Waaait a minute…
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((GASP!)) Could 2005 Steve have foreseen what 2010 Steve would have become??
But that’s … that’s …
1.) T-Bag
"Nobody will ever know if I do it in here..." FrrrrrrrRRNT! "LOL"
What?? Yeah, good question. I told my significant other that she had to choose her favorite villain of all time and she chose someone called … T-Bag.
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I know what you’re thinking right now: “What does this person do, dip his nuts on guys’ heads? I mean, what the F…,” but no, apparently British children’s programs aren’t that cool.
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Instead, this is some kind of witch named Tallulah Bag (get it?) who not only had an assistant called ((sigh)) ”T-shirt,” but who derived her powers from … you fucking guessed it … drinking tea. Leave it to the Brits to give tea powers to the world.
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T-Bag’s whole point was to piss off little girls by jumping into books or something. Look, I dunno, it’s British and that’s scary enough.
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I managed to find T-Bag’s untimely demise on YouTube! You have got to check it out:
BEHOLD, T-Bag’s all-powerful Microsoft Paint laserbeam in all of its sinister glory!
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One thing I don’t understand is why she shows her new “omnipotence” by shooting a crappy laser and not just turning her enemies’ internal organs into bombs or ants or something. But then, I guess the lord works in mysterious ways.
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This also teaches us a very important lesson. When you attain divinity and are able to fire bright red microsoft paint from your hands, never, EVER fire it at a little British girl who is standing conveniently next to a gong. Gongs are like fucking kryptonite to evil gods.
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Why Underrated? Because anyone outside of the UK, and even some within it, have never heard of her.
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2012 Steve Note: Both Katy and you will be happy to know that T-Bag is back in the game! In fact, she has TEAmed up with other similarly-lettered entertainers for what is thought will be a moderately successful-to-disappointing Lifetime series called The Family T.
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In it, Mrs. Bag plays a sultry yet street-smart madame who uses her brush with godhood, and experience in trying to kill children, to lead a group of forensic officers in solving the most gruesome cases, which will of course be RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES! It’s like a cross between CSI: Miami and dropping acid.
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Hijinx, as you might imagine, will ensue.
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